12. My Roles

My role changes dramatically throughout the course of a day. I never really thought about it until I did a workshop in a communications class. We were told to think of all the roles we play in a day. In doing this I had to walk myself through a day and saw myself changing to fit the roles of others. When I wake up in the morning I am myself. But, in being myself I must look at my roles as a person. I am a mother of four, a fiancé to John, and a freshman at Ivy Tech. In preparing to go to school, I am a fashion critique to myself, kids, and John (fiancé). I am a cook, as well as a meteorologist. I am judge and jury when the kids argue. It is my role to keep the peace, plan dinner and pay the bills.
When I am at school I am the student, however, I also take on the role of a tutor to those who ask me questions. I am an overachiever, a perfectionist, and a procrastinator in my school work. After classes I go to the house we are remodeling. There I am a painter, carpenter, drywaller, cleaner, go for, and a fiancé (should John want kisses).
When my mother calls I am a daughter. I take on the role of being the strong one. I reassure her that things are going to be okay when she misses my brother. When my friends call I am a carefree woman. If a neighbor waves I smile and wave back, forgetting the nuisance they are.
In the evening I am the guardian of my children, I am the enforcer of curfew, I am the law. At bedtime I am a storyteller and defender of the children’s fear of the dark. In my own bed I am a tired woman with four kids. I am overwhelmed with life. I am planning my next day’s meals, cleaning, and errands. I am a mother, daughter, fiancé, student, teacher, cook, maid, meteorologist, accountant, friend, and lover.
No matter what role I am or for whom I am still a thirty one year old woman. I do my best to keep life together everyone in my family. When my mom told me I could be anything I wanted I didn’t realize she meant all at once.

11. My Kyle

I was allowed no response. I was not given an opportunity to say anything. No goodbyes, no I love you, I could not try to talk you out of what you did. My advice was not asked for, my thoughts were not wanted. There was no time to stop you, because I did not realize you needed to be stopped. In the moment of loss my soul seemed to be suffocated with grief. Unexplainable sorrow, unrelievable pain, unforgiving misery. The thought of losing you seems to crash down on me in the most awkward times. It seems as though I relive you death over and over. I have wanted to pick up the phone several times to tell you what is going on in my life. Only to recall you are not there. I try to comfort myself with the thought of you being in heaven, however I am selfish, and it isn’t enough. I see your friends. Some will speak of you. Others do not mention your name, I believe it is too hard for the, to think of you being gone.
I get angry with you at times. I wish you could be here just so I could kick your ass for all of the pain you have caused so many of us. My youngest son cries for you, our mother weeps uncontrollably while I sit and watch, trying to find a comforting thing to say. There is nothing to say. You are gone. Period. You are not coming back and try as I may I cannot find the purpose in all of this. Life seems to go on. At times I wish it would stand still if only for a moment. And while I am wishing, I wish you were still alive. I wish I had seen you one more time. I wish I had held you a little longer when we hugged on Christmas. I wish I had stopped by that day and may have found a way to keep you here, if only for a little while longer. I wish I knew some way to subside the pain at times. I wish for you Kyle, all the time. I pray for you as well. I pray you are happy and at peace. I pray for me too. I pray I will get through this. I miss you Kyle. With all of my heart and soul, I miss you. I love you.

10. Horrible Timing

John and I bought a house in December. It is our dream home. We were so excited when we found the house. Between the two of us we have four children. We knew we needed a house with four bedrooms and if at all possible we needed an office for John. We lucked out. We found a house that met our needs. This house had three bedrooms downstairs and an upstairs that could be a bedroom and an office. It was a total of eighteen hundred square feet. The house needed a lot of work. John is very skilled and he was up for the challenge. I, at the time, was very excited at the opportunity to fix up a house to the way we liked. I did not realize it would be so time consuming for so long. It seems the projects are never ending. Our timing could not have been much worse. In the next two weeks we are scheduled to be in the house. Along with packing, moving, and unpacking I am forced to schedule in finals for this semester.
The bright side of this dilemma is I will be able to relax in two weeks with all of the stress of moving and finals behind me. The kids will soon be out of school as well and we will be able to focus on summer fun. The only stress AAI will have in the beginning of May once we are moved into our new home is that our kitchen cabinets will not arrive until the end of the first week of My. If I can manage a home with four kids, a fiancé and no kitchen I will be amazed! The relief to all of this is we did have the good sense to install a Jacuzzi tub, which I plan to use at every opportunity.
I have definitely learned in this process to look ahead at the possible time crunch that could be involved in any of my new adventures. I can honestly say that I do not have any plans to move again in the near future. And if I do move it will definitely not be in a fixer-upper!

9. Bailey

I have been wanting a puppy for as long as I can remember. In November, my fiancé, John gave into my wishes and allowed me to go get a puppy. I did not realize it at the time, but I was about to embark on the worst week of my life. I found an adorable little guy at the local pet store. He was a Shitzu, and only six weeks old. He was so tiny I could fit him in the palm of my hand. I named him Bailey. I was a proud owner, and took him around to everyone to show him off. He didn’t bark and was very loveable. He had white fur, mixed with brown and tan spots. His eyes were the biggest brown eyes I had ever seen and everyone I showed him to agreed, he was adorable.
The first night I had Bailey I slept very light. I was listening to make sure he was okay in a new house and very eager to take him outside if he whimpered so he wouldn’t make as mess in the house. The next morning, Bailey did not seem to have much energy and would not eat any of his food. I called the vet’s number ands explained to her my puppy’s actions. She told me to fix him some white rice and watch him closely. I did as she had told me, but Bailey did not seem interested in the rice I had made him either. By the end of the night Bailey didn’t move much and had not eaten anything all day. I called the vet again and she told us to bring him into her office. We bundled Bailey in a blanket and made the trip to the Vet. I was nervous that something was wrong with him.
While at the Vet’s, we held Bailey so she could shave the hair off of part of his leg. She took blood and tested it for Parvo. He tested negative, which was a relief. She was certain something was wrong with him, but unable to give a clear diagnosis. The vet requested we leave bailey with her overnight for observation and put him on an IV. When we left she told me to call in the morning to get a status report.
I was anxious to call when I woke the next morning, however there was no on in the vet’s office yet to take my call. At eight a.m. on the nose my call got answered and I was informed Bailey had not made it through the night. I was stunned that my puppy had only lived with me for two days.

8. Only for Meth Users

I believe a lot of good can come from implementing drug re-hab into the prison system. It is not a new idea. Most prisons do have a substance abuse program available to inmates. The idea of having a prison that is specifically for drug abusers seems to be a much needed facility. I have not done any research on this so far, but I do have some questions as to how they screen for qualified inmates. The program that I am aware of is CLIFF. CLIFF stands for Clean Living Is Freedom Forever. This program is in two of Indiana’s prisons. The program states to be used in rehabilitation of methamphetamine abusers. My concern is why only this abuser, why not for any offender who could benefit from an eighteen month substance abuse program.
I am curious to find out how much money tax payers are spending for this program. I would like to compare that figure to monies spent by taxpayers on substance abuse programs available to the public before they become part of the prison system. I do not know how long this program has been implemented, but I plan to find out the success rate of those who have completed the program. I am also curious to find out how many long term substance abuse programs have closed their doors due to non payment of insurance. From what I gather, it seems insurance will not pay for substance abuse programs, but if there is a psychiatric diagnosis, the insurance will pay for a lengthy stay in a mental ward of a hospital. Would there be a possible solution to keep substance abuse programs available to low income, non insured public? Is the only viable solution to wait until a person has spiraled so far out of control that the only help waiting for that individual is behind a razor fence?
Statistics show that a person who has successfully completed a long term substance abuse program has a better chance staying off drugs; however that success rate is one in nine. ONE person will make it while the other NINE fail. I guess the light at the end of the tunnel as far as our government sees it, is for the nine who do fail if they fail badly enough, we have a substance abuse program waiting for you. Hope your substance of choice is methamphetamine, if not you may or may not get into a program in a different prison.

reflection on Tannen essay

I found the essay written by Deborah Tannen very interesting. A lot of the information she included in the essay was pretty accurate I thought. I know that all of the information doesn’t imply to every person, because I know that everyone is different. But I do think that she did a good job of characterizing a majority of people into groups. I felt that I could relate to the essay because a lot, not everything, but a lot of the stuff she said about females was right on with me and my experiences. There are many times where I won’t speak up in class because I feel that I am talking too much and I want to give someone else a chance to speak up. That is one thing that Tannen mentioned in her essay. She also stated that many male teachers and professors like to do the “Devil’s Advocate” where they challenge the student’s answer and opinion. I have mixed emotions about this method of teaching. I like the fact that it makes you learn to defend your thoughts, but sometimes it makes me feel that I am not correct and no one likes to be wrong in front of the whole class. This method, I feel, also puts a lot of focus and attention on one certain student and I do not like to be the center of attention, all of the time. I never really thought about the different types of students and the different teaching styles that teachers use. After I read this essay I have evaluated and taken notice to the differences. I have also realized that different teaching methods help students to learn better. I know that I learn best in smaller groups. It makes me feel included and not over-whelmed. I also love when there are class discussions and everyone can put their two cents in. I love to hear the different opinions and how other people think. I think it can help broaden other people’s minds. Over in all, I really enjoyed reading this essay. I learned a lot from it and I will definitely remember this essay for future proposes.

7. Grandma's Snow Play

My first memory of playing in the snow I was very young. My excitement was contagious. My great-grandmother was my caretaker as a child. She was happy to see how excited I was about the snow falling, but that was were her excitement ended. I was around three or four years old and very anxious to be outside playing in the beautiful playground being created in right before my very eyes. I imagined tasting the small, white crystals, wondering if they tasted like the clouds. I expected to make giant snowmen and throw a few snowballs carefully rounded with my gloved hands. I was very eager to lie on my back in the snow and spread my arms and legs just like I had watched children do on television.
All of plans changed when my grandmother explained to me that we could not go outside. Instead, she explained, we were going to bring the snow into us. The thought of bringing all the snow into our house was an appealing idea. I ran out of the room and grabbed my coat from the closet. I began to wonder what Grandma was going to use to get all of the snow in the house, and where she was going to put it. She called for me to come back to the kitchen explaining I would not need my coat. Suddenly I was confused again, but I obeyed her. Quickly I threw my coat on my bed and raced down the hall back to the kitchen. When I got there I found Grandma at the back door.
Grandma told me to get in my mother’s kitchen cabinets and get a few of her pots. I did and handed them to her. Then, she told me to get a few spoons out of the drawer. I asked what we were doing, I thought she was crazy. This would take all night bringing in the snow with spoons, and we needed something bigger than my mother’s pan to hold the snow. My Grandmother explained to me then that we would pretend to cook, using the snow, when it melted we would pour the water in the sink and get new. I began to think of different things we could pretend to make. Mashed potatoes were all I could think of at the time and I began to get disappointed I wanted to make snowmen, and angels, and snowballs. My grandmother was patient and explained we would, and we did I played in the snow until my fingers ached from the coldness. We sat at the kitchen table for what seemed all night making miniature angels and snowmen. I made giant snowballs. We cooked many dishes that night and we ate each one.
When my children were very young I did as my Grandmother did. We enjoyed the snow from the inside, staying warm. We were able to use our imaginations together and come up with all kinds of things to do with the snow. While playing with them I would tell them of my Grandmother and how she had done the same thing with me as a child.