my teddy

Everyone has something that is irreplaceable to them, whether it is a loved one, a material object, or whatever. I have something that fits into that group- my teddy. I know it sounds funny that a 22 year old has a teddy bear, but he means the world to me. He is almost as old as I am. I got him when I was very young, maybe 1 or 2 years old. This bear has been with me through thick and thin. His appearance has changed throughout the years. He is no longer light brown in color; he is more of a faded brown. His once soft fur is now well worn. He used to have a little green bowtie on his neck; I have no idea what happened to it. It came off a long time ago. Where the bowtie used to be is now a hole. I sewed it up myself when I was young. I felt like I was performing surgery. There are little white treads poking out at his neck. The fur is completely rubbed off on his left arm. There is also a little hole at the end of his hand. When I was little I used to rub that arm for comfort. I sometimes find myself subconsciously rubbing it now. Most of the stuffing is gone in his left leg; it is caused from the way I used to hold him. The leather from is nose is torn off and now reveals a hard plastic nose. When I was little I used this as a weapon. Whenever my brothers would gang up on me, I would whip out my teddy and hold onto his legs and swing. The plastic nose would make contact with my brothers and then they would run off and leave me alone. They told me later how much it hurt to get hit by that nose. Whenever I come home from a hard day, the first thing I do is grab my teddy and give him a hug. He has a smell to him, a smell of home that comforts me. My family gives me a hard time about keeping my teddy for this long, but I don’t care. My teddy is my safety net, my comfort.

new school = new beginnings

I carefully tied my new Nike shoes. I grabbed my new backpack and slid it across my shoulders. The bag felt so light and stiff, for there was nothing in it but a few notebooks and some pencils. The bag smelled fresh and new and was gleaming with a color of pink. As I walked across the kitchen floor towards the door my shoes squeaked. I took a breath and opened the door. The morning light hit my face as I walked up the driveway. I could hear the birds chirping, it was as if they were saying “good morning!” I got to the top of the driveway and began my wait. It was the first day of school and I was very nervous. Not only was it my first day at school, it was my first day at a new school. I was starting my seventh grade year. That summer my family and I moved to Crawfordsville from Indianapolis. I had anticipated this day all summer and now it was finally here. The school bus pulled to a stop and it caused me stop daydreaming about my old school and friends; they were long gone. As I boarded the bus I felt like Forest Gump on his first day of school. It seemed that I was one of the last to get picked up and the selection of seats was slim. I finally found a place and parked. I sat down and rested my head on the back of the seat. The vinyl of the seat started to stick to the back of my legs and the bus smelled musty and was not appealing. As the bus started to roll down the road I said a silent prayer for strength. I knew that I would need it for what lain before me. The girl beside me turned and introduced herself. “Hi, my name is Ashley. What’s your name?” I couldn’t believe it. One minute on the bus and I already made a friend. Going to a new school was going to be easier than I thought. As I turned to introduce myself, I said another silent prayer, one of thanks.

comparing the red chevy

After reading the essay by Juli Bovard entitled “The Red Chevy,” I evaluated what trauma can do to a person. According to my “College Writer’s” book, “Psychological research has shown that people remember trauma more vividly and with more detail than other events.” In order to see if this was correct I thought about two experiences of my own, one that was traumatic and one that was enjoyable. Even though the traumatic event that I thought was no where near as traumatic as Bovard’s, but it was upsetting to me nonetheless. The traumatic event that came to mind was when I got hit with an arrow in the forehead. I can remember every detail of the event even though it happened almost fifteen years ago. I ended up in the hospital that evening and three stitches in my forehead. The other memory, the happy one, was when I got my first car when I was sixteen. I can remember a lot that happened that day too. The car was a surprise and was a special event that I shared with my family and best friend. Even though these two experiences were totally different, they were both growing elements for me. However, I don’t think that these two experiences really support that psychology research. I think everyone has their own memories and they can decide what they remember or not. I do realize that there are some occurrences that happen that you can never forget, but I have read where sometimes in a traumatic event you block things out to forget them. Like I said, this are my thoughts and opinions, and someone else may have something entirely different to say about this subject. I think it all in how the person is and how well they can carry on with their lives.

12. My Roles

My role changes dramatically throughout the course of a day. I never really thought about it until I did a workshop in a communications class. We were told to think of all the roles we play in a day. In doing this I had to walk myself through a day and saw myself changing to fit the roles of others. When I wake up in the morning I am myself. But, in being myself I must look at my roles as a person. I am a mother of four, a fiancé to John, and a freshman at Ivy Tech. In preparing to go to school, I am a fashion critique to myself, kids, and John (fiancé). I am a cook, as well as a meteorologist. I am judge and jury when the kids argue. It is my role to keep the peace, plan dinner and pay the bills.
When I am at school I am the student, however, I also take on the role of a tutor to those who ask me questions. I am an overachiever, a perfectionist, and a procrastinator in my school work. After classes I go to the house we are remodeling. There I am a painter, carpenter, drywaller, cleaner, go for, and a fiancé (should John want kisses).
When my mother calls I am a daughter. I take on the role of being the strong one. I reassure her that things are going to be okay when she misses my brother. When my friends call I am a carefree woman. If a neighbor waves I smile and wave back, forgetting the nuisance they are.
In the evening I am the guardian of my children, I am the enforcer of curfew, I am the law. At bedtime I am a storyteller and defender of the children’s fear of the dark. In my own bed I am a tired woman with four kids. I am overwhelmed with life. I am planning my next day’s meals, cleaning, and errands. I am a mother, daughter, fiancé, student, teacher, cook, maid, meteorologist, accountant, friend, and lover.
No matter what role I am or for whom I am still a thirty one year old woman. I do my best to keep life together everyone in my family. When my mom told me I could be anything I wanted I didn’t realize she meant all at once.

11. My Kyle

I was allowed no response. I was not given an opportunity to say anything. No goodbyes, no I love you, I could not try to talk you out of what you did. My advice was not asked for, my thoughts were not wanted. There was no time to stop you, because I did not realize you needed to be stopped. In the moment of loss my soul seemed to be suffocated with grief. Unexplainable sorrow, unrelievable pain, unforgiving misery. The thought of losing you seems to crash down on me in the most awkward times. It seems as though I relive you death over and over. I have wanted to pick up the phone several times to tell you what is going on in my life. Only to recall you are not there. I try to comfort myself with the thought of you being in heaven, however I am selfish, and it isn’t enough. I see your friends. Some will speak of you. Others do not mention your name, I believe it is too hard for the, to think of you being gone.
I get angry with you at times. I wish you could be here just so I could kick your ass for all of the pain you have caused so many of us. My youngest son cries for you, our mother weeps uncontrollably while I sit and watch, trying to find a comforting thing to say. There is nothing to say. You are gone. Period. You are not coming back and try as I may I cannot find the purpose in all of this. Life seems to go on. At times I wish it would stand still if only for a moment. And while I am wishing, I wish you were still alive. I wish I had seen you one more time. I wish I had held you a little longer when we hugged on Christmas. I wish I had stopped by that day and may have found a way to keep you here, if only for a little while longer. I wish I knew some way to subside the pain at times. I wish for you Kyle, all the time. I pray for you as well. I pray you are happy and at peace. I pray for me too. I pray I will get through this. I miss you Kyle. With all of my heart and soul, I miss you. I love you.

10. Horrible Timing

John and I bought a house in December. It is our dream home. We were so excited when we found the house. Between the two of us we have four children. We knew we needed a house with four bedrooms and if at all possible we needed an office for John. We lucked out. We found a house that met our needs. This house had three bedrooms downstairs and an upstairs that could be a bedroom and an office. It was a total of eighteen hundred square feet. The house needed a lot of work. John is very skilled and he was up for the challenge. I, at the time, was very excited at the opportunity to fix up a house to the way we liked. I did not realize it would be so time consuming for so long. It seems the projects are never ending. Our timing could not have been much worse. In the next two weeks we are scheduled to be in the house. Along with packing, moving, and unpacking I am forced to schedule in finals for this semester.
The bright side of this dilemma is I will be able to relax in two weeks with all of the stress of moving and finals behind me. The kids will soon be out of school as well and we will be able to focus on summer fun. The only stress AAI will have in the beginning of May once we are moved into our new home is that our kitchen cabinets will not arrive until the end of the first week of My. If I can manage a home with four kids, a fiancé and no kitchen I will be amazed! The relief to all of this is we did have the good sense to install a Jacuzzi tub, which I plan to use at every opportunity.
I have definitely learned in this process to look ahead at the possible time crunch that could be involved in any of my new adventures. I can honestly say that I do not have any plans to move again in the near future. And if I do move it will definitely not be in a fixer-upper!

9. Bailey

I have been wanting a puppy for as long as I can remember. In November, my fiancé, John gave into my wishes and allowed me to go get a puppy. I did not realize it at the time, but I was about to embark on the worst week of my life. I found an adorable little guy at the local pet store. He was a Shitzu, and only six weeks old. He was so tiny I could fit him in the palm of my hand. I named him Bailey. I was a proud owner, and took him around to everyone to show him off. He didn’t bark and was very loveable. He had white fur, mixed with brown and tan spots. His eyes were the biggest brown eyes I had ever seen and everyone I showed him to agreed, he was adorable.
The first night I had Bailey I slept very light. I was listening to make sure he was okay in a new house and very eager to take him outside if he whimpered so he wouldn’t make as mess in the house. The next morning, Bailey did not seem to have much energy and would not eat any of his food. I called the vet’s number ands explained to her my puppy’s actions. She told me to fix him some white rice and watch him closely. I did as she had told me, but Bailey did not seem interested in the rice I had made him either. By the end of the night Bailey didn’t move much and had not eaten anything all day. I called the vet again and she told us to bring him into her office. We bundled Bailey in a blanket and made the trip to the Vet. I was nervous that something was wrong with him.
While at the Vet’s, we held Bailey so she could shave the hair off of part of his leg. She took blood and tested it for Parvo. He tested negative, which was a relief. She was certain something was wrong with him, but unable to give a clear diagnosis. The vet requested we leave bailey with her overnight for observation and put him on an IV. When we left she told me to call in the morning to get a status report.
I was anxious to call when I woke the next morning, however there was no on in the vet’s office yet to take my call. At eight a.m. on the nose my call got answered and I was informed Bailey had not made it through the night. I was stunned that my puppy had only lived with me for two days.