Free Write

Pregnancy…what to say. It’s a blessing from God. A very crazy experience for any girl to go through, it has its ups and it has a lot of downs.
There are too many things I am told not to do, which I ignore, and I’m pretty sure my ignorance is what got me into the hospital three times in the past month. All three times hooked up to IV’s because of dehydration. Too much sugar can send a pregnant girl into labor. My favorite part of staying in the hospital was getting woke up by the nurses so they could check my blood pressure and pulse. It really sucks having that elastic band wrapped around your belly all day and night! My baby didn’t like it! She kicked it all night. That’s really the best part of this whole experience. Knowing that she is okay helps me sleep at night. My worst fear is going to the doctor because I wasn’t feeling her move and them telling me that she’s not okay. I couldn’t imagine how someone could feel knowing that there was a baby who was healthy and perfectly fine one day and the next not. I haven’t had her yet and I will tell you I have never been more attached to or in love with anything in my entire life! It really is true that you can love someone without even meeting them. That someone is your child.
It really sucks that no man can ever experience how it feels to be pregnant. They say a dad really knows what it’s like once they see their child for the first time. But a woman knows while she’s pregnant. Feeling the baby makes it seem so real. It’s so hard to explain to anyone. Even to a woman who’s had a baby. Its love! Something that can’t be explained. I wonder how a dad feels about his child (ren). I wonder what goes through man’s head when he looks at or holds his child for the first time.
I wonder how different my life will be. I am always told that my life will be over and new one will begin, called “our” life. My life had changed a lot since I’ve been pregnant. Just knowing made me change so many things I do and the way I do things. Believe it or not my driving has changed dramatically! Maybe it’s because I don’t have a job and I know can’t afford a ticket, OR maybe it’s because I’m scared something might happen and I don’t want to hurt my baby.
I’ve been told that when you’re pregnant you have crazy dreams! A friend of mine has told me about crazy dreams and even day dreams she has had. She says she used to daydream about drowning her daughter, or how her daughter was having an asthma attack in the back of the car and the radio was up too loud to hear her so she died. That makes me nervous about what I may think about. I have had dreams about going to bed pregnant and waking up with a baby!
It’s crazy what you think about, not just about yourself, but others too.

My Moods

I'm a moody person. I think I've always realized this, but only recently I'm learning how much my moods, and changing of moods shape my life. I don't know if it's something I should work to overcome, or something I should learn to accept as part of me...Where is the line that defines the difference between a low self-esteem and a constant desire to be more than what you are?

I was thinking that I have never given my full attention and devotion to any 1 thing for an extended period of time. Sure, I've felt inspired from a book and changed my outlook on life and sometimes my behavior, but whether I've lost focus and drive, or was so successful in integrating that change that it now feels normal, I'm not sure. Part of the necessity to read books is the mnemic ability to keep yourself accountable. I don't think I posses that skill. That doesn't mean I'm not going to read, but it possibly means that I don't know how to read effectively.

At church on Sunday, I couldn't keep focus because there was a gentlemen a few rows in front of me that was taking notes, it seemed at least, and he filled at least 5 notebook pages. I want to know why these people take notes. Is the simple act of writing it down enough for them to gain an extra level of retention or comprehension? Do they save the notes? Do the ever really refer to their notes later? How much later? Will this strategy work for me?

That’s the real question though. We all have our own tricks and skills and downfalls. At what point do we accept our abilities and deal with what we have? Do we believe that we can maintain a constant state of better ourselves in our lives? Someone could dedicate their life to improving themselves in all areas, but even then they’d probably fail to do anything worthwhile because they spent their whole life learning.

Sometimes, I’m in the mood to read. Sometimes, I want to improve my abilities to understand and comprehend. Sometimes, I’m so sick of it all I just want to give up and do nothing. Sometimes, I just want to sit around and talk about it all. Sometimes, there’s no time for any of that.

Drama/Gossip

I have discovered that there are few things in this life more annoying than “gossipers” and this town seems to be full of them. Crawfordsville seems to me like it is the central hub of the world for gossip, because no matter what if something happens, EVERYONE knows about it within ten minutes of it occurring. I think what makes this worse for me than your average Joe is that I unfortunately happen to work at a place chocked full of drama, Wal-Mart. No matter what, there is always something happening at work with someone in some department. Someone is making someone else mad, or someone called in a left someone else with all of the work...I would love for just one day to go to work and not have to deal with all of the drama that occurs, is that too much to ask? I think that this world relies too much on drama today, and unfortunately we all listen to it entirely too much, maybe we should take more seriously that age-old adage “if you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say anything at all”

The Road

“The Road,” by Cormac McCarthy was a very interesting book. There were so many things that you would miss if you weren’t paying attention. It was not the fact that you missed words, but how they were said in the story. You could almost hear the man speaking. I know that the story wasn’t really the big upper that a lot of people would have liked, but it did leave you with a little glimmer of hope. I know that this is morbid, but some of my favorite parts were where he described certain gory scenes. I could almost see all of the people that were in the basement of the farm house, and I could hear their screams when they cried for help. I know how the man felt for his child and I knew that I would be the same way with my own children. I would keep going for them; I would starve myself so they could eat; and I would sacrifice myself to save them. I know how this man feels for his son; but I don’t know it to the extremes that the father did. The father is the perfect image of what every parent should feel if all hell breaks loose. I enjoyed this book, though it ended in a cheap way.

Weddings for Cheap

I am getting married on Sat. Dec. 13th and I am really looking forward to it, but there are so many things that have come up that I never thought would affect a wedding. The main thing that caused us problems is the fact that we are poor college students with two kids. Another thing that caused problems was finding a place. We had to search all over for a place that didn’t cost too much. In the end we found out that we could use our church because we are members of the church. I know that you all are not interested in my troubles, but I also know that if you talk to someone who has been through all the stress; it takes some of it off. Some things are important to remember: fake flowers are cheaper and you can arrange them yourself and they still look good, find a close friend who can style hair, have wonderful sisters that help find you dresses and the fake flowers, and of course find a church that you belong to (that way you can use it for next to nothing). I know this doesn’t help much, but if you are in a pinch; these are the things I suggests.

Halloween

I know that Halloween has been over for a while now, but I do love that holiday. You see all of these children running around as spider-man, batman, tinker bell, witches, and who knows what else. Everyone is usually very friendly and you see a lot of people having a good time. The house that I grew up in was known as the best house to go to for trick-or-treating. It was not because of our candy, but because my father used to scare the crap out of anyone that came up to our house. I know that adults and children alike say that Christmas is their favorite time of year; and they say that you will always feel like a kid at Christmas. For me, Halloween gives me that joy. There is a fact that you don’t know what candy you are going to get and you sometimes never know what costume you are going to wear till that night. What also makes me excited is the fact that I have children of my own now and I am going to share my love of Halloween with them. I want them to enjoy dressing up and letting their imaginations take them far away.

CHRISTMAS :)

Christmas time is one of my favorite times of the year. I love all the Christmas decorations and all the Christmas spirit. It means a lot to me to get to spend so much time with family and get to celebrate with them. I like picking out gifts for everyone. I like how all the stores are decorated so nicely and everyone seems to be so busy. A lot of people get stressed out about Christmas but I try not to let it get to me.
I think sometimes Christmas has gotten out of hand and people forget what the real meaning of Christmas is. It seems like people are only worried about the gifts. Yes, the gifts are part of it but that is not what it should all be about. It should mainly be spending time with your family and just realizing how blessed you are to get to celebrate Christmas with your family. There are many people in this world that will not get to celebrate with their families, if they even get to celebrate at all. Everyone just needs to keep in mind how blessed they really are to be living in a free country and being able to celebrate with their families.